I just received an annual update from a friend I met in India a few years ago and it got me wondering how my year went.
Do you ever sit down and truly reflect or write about how your week, month or year went? Well I don’t. But, something inside me today decided it would be a healthy and cathartic thing to do… to share my year and bear my soul….
I started the year in a great deal of pain. Someone I loved very much and I were relating in ways that I felt were abusive. I felt rejected, abandoned and unloved just as I had in my early childhood with my parents. I had attracted someone into my life with whom I could replay those patterns. I loved her deeply, just as I had my parents, and I ended up staying in the relationship way too long! The gift of course, was that she would take me to some of my core patterns, and thus open opportunities for me to discover how to resolve and transform them.
During my trip to India on 2nd January, I broke free from the shackles of that relationship, and while we didn’t actually split up until the night I returned from India, I discovered a new sense of centre, of who I was and what I would stand for. I was able to break free from the dysfunctional relationship for long enough to know what I would, and would not stand for. Before that I was completely committed to making the relationship work, so much so, that I allowed myself to be increasingly unhappy. I had lost my centre.
The night I returned from India, we split up. The following day I ran a workshop on manifesting change having only slept a couple of hours; talk about a challenge. But you know what, our spirit can take on any challenge. That is the beauty of the human spirit, it is boundless. And that is what my workshops are about, how to access spirit and function from spirit so that we can manifest amazing change.
Letting go was initially easy but in closing one door, the question as to what door to walk through next was raised. I found myself like a rabbit in the headlights, unsure of which way to go – back to India, or Ibiza – the home I had left for this woman, or to stay in the UK. It took me some time to process the letting go, grieving and loss, and finding my centre again. Some considerable time. And in many respects I am still learning to let go, certainly in other contexts. I am still re-discovering ways to find and maintain my centre in such an apparently chaotic and turbulent world. That’s a gift, to constantly be discovering new distinctions and ways of creating the life we want; exploring and embracing inner transformation which inevitably translates into changing our external reality.
Faith In The Unknown
It is often in these moments – like the loss of a loved one – when we are stripped bare; when we are naked and wounded that life has the most to offer us. Some of the most beautiful art and music is born of strife. At the time, of course we don’t see it. But for me, the pain, suffering, loneliness and indecision were gateways for learning, discovery and accessing inner resources I didn’t know I had, or could access.
The pain and problems have brought me closer to God, to spirit, to living with my heart open. I saw a great post on Facebook the other day, something akin to “we do not need more successful people, what we need is more loving, caring and generous people”. I think I am re-discovering that truth too.
I teamed up with an old friend and business colleague, testing out running workshops together. It didn’t work. I went to Ibiza to set up the “Lighthouse” – a centre for healing and communication – with a dear friend of mine who had cancer. She died recently. I started to see a lovely girl but decided I am not ready to commit to a relationship right now. I have been learning to let go more and more of what I want or believe and allow the Universe to unfold as it is, to embrace change rather than resist it. To live from spirit rather than ego. It is an unfolding process. I still catch myself resisting, and that’s ok. I can let go of that too
Aside from my Coaching & Training business, I started a new business a few months ago with a very good friend. We were faced in often seemingly insurmountable challenges – being let down by various people, funding being withdrawn and so on. It tested our resolve, friendship and talents to the core. We learned. We grew enormously. Sometimes in the most unexpected of ways. We have been climbing our metaphorical mountains!
We are still going and things are now looking up. I am moving back to Ibiza, running workshops again, and loving the Coaching I am doing with my amazing clients, who show such spirit and openness to life and learning they are an inspiration to me. And the vision of a Lighthouse in Ibiza will come true in time – in Emily’s memory – and in perfect and divine timing no doubt.
And now – on the last day of the year – I find myself in Africa, high up in the Atlas Mountains, walking, meditating, relaxing and reading. And tomorrow, I climb Mount Toubkal, the highest peak in the Atlas Mountains.
This is where I come alive. How can we not, when surrounded by such beauty, with life all around?
So, from an extremely challenging year I find myself reverting to core principles and disciplines – to ground myself, to stay present, to open and remain relaxed. Simplicity on the side of complexity. Always open to learning. Sensitive, vulnerable. And one way to consistently access that openness, presence and love for life is a new mantra of mine which I experience physically as well as mentally whenever I find myself closing or tensing….
“Pause…. Relax…. Open…. And Receive….”
I wish you the same peace and richness as you enter the New Year. To remain relaxed, open and receiving all that life has to offer. To be planted in the seat of your consciousness, rather than caught up in the unfolding ‘drama’.
And to also remain on the edge of human consciousness, not numbed out by modern media or technology… but truly alive, experiencing the full richness that being on the edge brings. Go climb your mountain!
Wishing you a truly miraculous New Year!
p.s. Manifesting Miracles workshop on 12th Jan, only £44 if you book today!
p.p.s Enter Promotional Code “Crimbo” for 70% discount.
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